J.P. Coons

(OLY,WA WILDLIFE DILEMMA)

In a small backyard, looking out over the Puget Sound
We’d watch the sun go down and enjoy the wildlife

Oh, how we loved the birds, just one feeder
Then there were two, three, four and more

All kinds of contraptions, hanging from the trees
Wild seed, suet, fruit, nuts and corn, we added more

Then one by one, they all started to come
Like the Hitchcock movie, “The Birds”

 At first we’d feed, just a pound or two
 Now 100 pounds a week, the bill was going through the roof

Early in Spring, the Hummers came
Anna’s and Rufus, they’d fight and fight, into the cold of the night

Robins and Jays, Pine Siskins by the flocks
Purple and Gold Finchs, Swallows diving overhead  

Thrashers, Tohees, and yes, Mr. Oriole
The Cooper’s Hawk, dancing on the ground

At sunrise, the Bald Eagles would come
Cruisin’ the beach, lookin’ for food

Oh the Raptors, flying so high
Red Tail, Osprey, Kestrel and the Great Horned Owl

Out on the Sound, the ducks arrived
Mallards, Scoters, and Scaups, Buffleheads with a rare Puffin

Great “V” formations, of Canadian Honkers

The Mergansers, annually nesting in the snag

On their fly way south, thousands would pass
Cormorants, Grebes, Sandpipers and Loons, Terns, Murrelets, Plovers, and Gulls

The Flickers attacked our house, cedar siding full of holes
Flocks of Tanagers never seen, came to visit in the Spring

Crows, that’s right Old Crow, with his family of seventeen
What a sight to hear and see, they even nested in our tree

Woodpeckers, Woodpeckers, Woodpeckers
Sapsuckers, Downys and even the King, Mr. Pileated

Quail and Doves, Chickadees and Nuthatch
More Sparrows and Starlings than you could count

The great old man, nested just outside

At night he’d squawk and squawk

Of course you know, who we’re talkin’ about  
The main man, the Great Blue Heron

More and more, they came in waves
From every direction, any time of the day

Band Tailed Pigeons, they never stopped comin’
I’m sure, they’re big enough for a meal

Oh, yes the deck, was built last year
The chase, the table and chairs, don’t forget the barbeque

Covered in shit, I mean yellow, brown, black, even blue
It caked, then baked on by the sun, just like super glue

Oh, but how we love the Birds, none of it mattered
We loved their calls, songs of love, spiraling flights, to God above

But then, the Squirrels came, one by one
Chippers, Reds and then the Grays, they took over the place

Hanging upside down from the feeders, they’d spin
Spilling everything on the ground, then pick it up again

They could empty the feeder, faster than I could fill
Everyone was happy to see me, comin’ to refill

There was one giant Gray Squirrel, that ruled the roost
He won the fight for every seed, he looked like Yoda

Then they started to plant, the seeds and corn
In the garden and planters, stalks sprouting up as high as the sill

At 5:00 am, the crack of dawn, they’d start to fight
Chasing each other with their high pitched barks and chirps

Flying from branch to branch, and then back again
They drove us nuts layin’ in bed, Nick our dog, out of his head

Hay, that’s O.K., we love the Squirrels, just like the Birds
They’re our good friends, what would we do without them

Soon our favorite visitors arrived, the Red Tail Fox
 Cruise through the yard, all eleven of them

One then another, to clean everything up
Built their den just over the bank, could hear them bark at night

Oh, how we loved the Fox, the Squirrels and the Birds
There was something special, about each one of them

Wait, I almost forgot, the Deer
Come every day, to see what might be left for them

But it grew from there, they eat all our plants
The flowers, the garden, then the berries, oh how we loved the Deer

In the dead dark night, the Possums came
To finish every seed, piece of corn, anything that remained

    Still, it was all working out, we loved them all
Until they finally came, the Johnson Point Coons

That’s right, J.P. Coons, Family and Friends
So cute and furry, with their little shining eyes

We never knew, how many there were

At first, they would only come at night

But it slowly progressed, aggressive and mean
They knocked down every feeder, anything in their way

Up onto the deck, tearing everything apart
The planters, the chairs, the barbeque, hell, even our food

That was it, nothing was safe, not even my cigar
Two, four, then they had babies, more and more

You could hear them at night, as you turned off the lights
Marching around the house, obviously up to no good

Up on our deck, over the rail, raising all kinds of hell
Leavin’ a trail of destruction, totally out of control
 

Meaner and meaner, they’re afraid of nothing

Put one on a corner, he’d kill a dog, cat, or even a baby

Oh, but how we love our Birds, the Squirrels, the Fox and the Deer
But we don’t know about J.P. Coons, Family, and Friends

Then the day came, when my best friend, Lee
Came runnin’ from next door, callin’ out my name

Ellie, his wife left the groceries in the car
Well them Coons climbed in, eaten half of them down

Now they were trapped, and they couldn’t get out
Can you imagine tryin’ to set them free, without getting bit

Finally it happened, J.P. Coons, made the Headline News
That’s right CNN, killed enough critters and scared the neighbors

Now the police were after them, with guns and traps
Caused so much trouble, they wouldn’t let them go back

Oh, how we love our Birds, the Squirrels, the Fox and the Deer
But this spiralin’ twist of fate, was wearin’ me out

Do you shoot the Coons, then the Deer, then the Fox or not?
Which goes first?, they’re only tryin’ to make a livin’

Then the feeders came down, back to nature’s way
This crazy world, stopped on a dime, and all calmed down

What a vicious circle, we lived and learned
We were only tryin’, to feed the Birds !!!